


I like how my name sounds coming from your lips

by aspoonfulofmoonlight



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Crying, Gay Smut, Harry Styles - Freeform, Hinder, Hurt/Comfort, Louis Tomlinson - Freeform, M/M, Phone Calls, Smut, Smutty, Songfic, Styles - Freeform, a lot of kissing too, anal pentration, angel - Freeform, handjob, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform, lips of an angel, stylinson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-05
Updated: 2013-09-05
Packaged: 2017-12-25 17:51:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/955971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aspoonfulofmoonlight/pseuds/aspoonfulofmoonlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry couldn't even form a propper sentence, and all he wanted to do was explain everything to Louis but he just couldn't. "I had a dream." he forced out, more hot tears escaping as memories forced their way into his head- Louis' hands in his, Louis' hands on his waist, Louis' hands tangled in his curls, Louis' hands slipping beneath the waistband of his boxers, with their lips moving together clumsily, all tongue and teeth and needy desire and everything Harry had tried so hard to forget.</p>
<p>He didn't want to forget."</p>
<p>Or the one where Harry is sad and lonely and Louis thinks he actually loves his girlfriend and maybe two in the morning really is the best time for a phone call after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I like how my name sounds coming from your lips

Okay, Harry will admit, maybe it wasn't his best idea. Maybe it wasn't a good plan to call him, to talk to him for the first time in years in the middle of their worldwide stadium tour, where there were so many variables and so many things that could go wrong if this ended badly. And okay, maybe he shouldn't have called at two o'clock in the morning. But when you have a dream that seems to seep into the darkest and most hidden corners of your mind, one that completely takes over your thoughts and emotions and makes all the memories that you tried so hard to forget rush back and has you sobbing so hard you can't breathe while you're lying alone in the middle of the night, you tend to lose all sense of reason.

And so it was like his mind was on autopilot as his limbs moved almost unwillingly, fumbling blindly for his phone on the table by his bedside and finally grabbing hold of it, punching in the still incredibly familiar number with shaking fingers.

It was already on the second ring when the panic started to sink in. They hadn't spoken, not really spoken in almost three years now. They hadn't meant for it to end like this; they'd meant to keep in touch, to stay best friends, because thats what they always were, and a failed relationship blamed on a too-busy schedule wasn't going to change that. But then, even after they promised they'd wait an eternity for each other, that they'd make it work someday, somehow- he met her.

She was pretty, and she was funny, and she was lovely, and she was worth the struggle- everything Harry wasn't. But no matter how hard Harry tried to hate her, how much he should hate her, he just couldn't. Because she seemed to make him happy, and that's all Harry ever wanted, for him to be happy. But still, /two weeks/. That's all he'd waited before jumping into a relationship with her. Two weeks. Frankly, Harry had been hoping he'd have a little more respect for his feelings, but apparently not.

They stopped talking. That was something Harry had never imagined could happen ever in a million years. He'd hoped with every fiber of his being that that would never happen. Because no matter what, they were best friends forever, right? But hope does nothing but screw you over, Harry knows that now, and it did happen. He's not sure how. First their texts became less frequent. They didn't return each others calls. They stopped saying hi when they passed each other in the hallway. Eventually, it just stopped all together. They still talked on stage of course, bantering back and forth, joking, laughing, playing it up for the cameras, but when they were alone it was like none of it ever happened.

So Harry tried to move on. He hung out with the other lads more often, he focused on his career, he even had a few girlfriends himself, but none of them lasted. He tried to forget, and for a while he thought he did. It was getting easier.

But then he had that fucking dream.

It wasn't even a bad dream. It was a good dream, that's what made it so colossally earth shattering. It was really more of a memory, of the very first time they kissed. It was back on the X Factor, after their first performance in week one. They'd smashed it, done an incredible job, and they were all giddy with excitement when they stumbled off the stage at the end of the night. Harry remembered how they had their first group hug, and then they hugged each other individually, laughing and cheering and congratulating each other. And Harry got to him, and god he looked perfect, with his fringe in his eyes and the striped shirt hanging loosely off of his torso, and that stupid purple scarf around his neck and the most amazing smile Harry had ever seen on his lips. Harry still remembers how he was a little bit shorter than him, even though he was older, how the lights from behind hit him perfectly on an angle that made him look like a bit of an angel and how his smile seemed to falter when Harry pulled back from their hug, and how his eyes dipped down to Harrys lips.... and Harry didn't know which of them leaned in first, but suddenly they were kissing, their lips pressed together with force and Harry can still feel the ghost of those lips he misses so much. They were warm and wet and soft and they seemed to release all of the tension and unspoken feelings they'd had between each other for the past few weeks, with their eyes closed and their lips soft and the lads laughing behind them because they'd been expecting this for weeks.

There were still tears rolling down Harrys cheeks when the phone rang for the fourth time, and he was starting to think maybe he wasnt going to pick up, and he was actually sort of hoping he wouldn't. After all, it was two in the morning, and Harry was suddenly struck by how stupid and inconsiderate he was to call and wake him up at this time of night, and Harry really really wanted to hang up because the fear was starting to set in, and his entire body was trembling and shaking and he was struggling to breathe. His stomach wouldn't quit jolting violently and he felt like he might throw up everywhere, and Harry realized that even if he did pick up, he wasn't sure what he'd say anyway.

Shit, what was he going to say?? It wasn't like he could just say "Hey, I know we haven't talked in years and I know we're on tour and I know you're with your girlfriend in a room down the hall and I know we broke up and I know you're happy now but I never really moved on from you and I really fucking need you."? No, he couldn't say that, of couse he couldn't- fuck what was he going to say?? He wanted so badly to just move his thumb that measly inch and hit the hang up button and avoid all of this but his hand seemed to be glued in place and try as he may he couldn't move it even a millimeter.

Suddenly in the middle of the fourth ring it cut off, but no one spoke; Harry could only hear the sound of shallow breathing coming through the line, and footsteps padding across the carpeted hotel floor and Harrys heart was beating so hard he was sure it was going to break through his ribcage. He heard a door close softly and then a groggy yet hushed voice spoke and had Harrys heart skidding.

"Hello?"

His voice. It was his voice, talking to him and just for him, not the fans, and it was the I-Just-Woke-Up voice Harry remembered so vividly, and he couldn't seem to force words past the lump of emotion in his throat. It was only one word, a simple greeting, but it was still more than he'd gotten in years and he felt like he was either going to burst with happiness or shatter into a million tiny pieces. And guess which one was more likely. Harry pulled his knees up to his chest where he was sitting in the too-soft bed alone in his dark hotel room, taking a deep breath to keep his tears at bay.

"H-Hi." Harry finally managed, and if he were here, he would have said 'Simple, but effective.', referencing their video diary from all those years ago. He loved that joke, and Harry used to get annoyed by him overusing it, but now Harry would do anything to hear it overused one last time.

There was a pause on the other end that could only be described as a stunned silence, and Harry heard a subtle, quick intake of air, and he covered his mouth with his hand so his strangled sob couldn't be heard. "Harry?"

He knew he should say something, explain how he was sorry for calling so late and he was sorry for not talking and he was sorry for dreaming of him and he was sorry for not moving on and he was sorry for needing and he was sorry it felt so amazing and relieving to talk to him again and he was just so fucking sorry. But he seemed to have lost the ability to form words. Everything he wanted to say seemed to die on his tongue, accumulating in a thick lump in his throat and he knew soon it would be too much and the lump of emotion would burst and everything would spill out and he wasn't sure he wanted to know how that was going to go down.

"Lou, I-" he finally choked but he was cut off by a sob and he had to clamp a hand over his mouth to quiet it, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes and he didn't think there was even the slightest possibility that he could continue at all. It was okay though, because Louis did it for him.

"Why are you calling me so late?" And it wasn't rude, and Louis didn't sound angry or annoyed like Harry thought he might be; in fact he was surprise to hear that Louis' voice sounded nearly as small and broken as Harrys did, and that shouldn't have amazed Harry as much as it did. He wondered if maybe Louis had missed him just as much as Harry had missed him.

"I-" Harry couldn't even form a propper sentence, and all he wanted to do was explain everything to Louis but he just couldn't. "I had a dream." he forced out, more hot tears escaping as memories forced their way into his head- Louis' hands in his, Louis' hands on his waist, Louis' hands tangled in his curls, Louis' hands slipping beneath the waistband of his boxers, with their lips moving together clumsily, all tongue and teeth and needy desire and everything Harry had tried so hard to forget.

He didn't want to forget.

"Haz, its kinda hard to talk right now..." Louis trailed off, and Harrys heart shattered in his chest at his old nickname. "El... she's in the next room... she might hear..."

Harry covered his eyes with his hand, trying to ebb the flow of tears and stop himself from sobbing brokenly, his shoulders and hands and fingers and entire body shaking with the effort. "Fuck, I- I know Lou, but I- God, Louis," was all he could manage to get out, his lip trembling violently and he was sure he heard a small whimper through the phone.

"Hazza, are you crying? Are you alright?" Louis' voice sounded concerned, genuinely concerned, like he sounded the time Harry caught the flu and he stayed with him all day, laying with him in bed and watching old films and even following along to stay with him when he rushed to the bathroom to throw up everything Louis had made him eat.

"I- I don't know Louis I can't- I - need t-to talk to you s-so b-b-badly-"

"Its okay Harry, you can talk to me, I'm here Hazza, but I need to whisper because Eleanor-"

Suddenly the lump in Harrys throat broke like a dam, and everything came tumbling out in a rush that was barely comprehensible, but had Louis bracing himself over the counter of the bathroom in his and El's room, tears streaming silently down his face while he tried to breathe properly all the same.

"God Lou, I... I had this dream and it-t was really m-more of a me-memory, from when we were back o-on X Factor, the t-time r-right after out f-first performance, remember? It w-was the night we had our f-first kiss? And I woke up and it-" he broke off, breathing in shakily until be could continue, "It made me remember so many things I've been t-t-trying to f-forget for the last 3 y-years, and e-everything about you, and I've been trying to move on Lou, I r-r-really have b-but I fucking can't b-because you're just e-everywhere and in everything I see and do and I m-miss you s-s-so fucking much, and I kn-know you h-have a girlfriend, and I'm glad you're happy, I really am, you deserve to be h-happy, but I just can't fucking seem to get you out of my head Louis! I just-" a harsh sob escaped his throat and he forced himself to swallow and take a few shaky breaths before starting again, considerably more evenly. "I'm so sorry, Louis. I'm sorry I called you so late and I'm sorry I'm being so selfish and I'm sorry I'm so jealous of Eleanor and I'm sorry I couldn't be good enough for you and I'm sorry I can't forget and I'm sorry I miss you and I'm sorry I guess I never really moved on after all."

He was sobbing by the time he was finished, not even trying to hide it anymore and he swiped uselessly at his eyes, not quite believing he'd just poured out his heart to Louis, the man who left him and totally stomped on his heart, the man who he hadnt talked to in years, and he loathed how vulnerable that made him.

Meanwhile, Louis felt like his heart had just been violently ripped from his chest and stomped on, or maybe possibly it had been given a breath of oxygen again after too long without air. He couldn't tell which It was. He looked up at his reflection in the bathroom mirror to see his blue eyes red-rimmed and bloodshot, his cheeks stained with salty tears and he watched his chest rise and fall with laboured breaths, trying to stay silent so he didn't wake Eleanor. He could hear Harrys strangled sobs coming from the other end and it just made him cry harder, hearing his Hazza cry like that and knowing it was his fault. All he really wanted was to be there with him, holding the younger boy in his arms and kissing away all his tears.

Yeah, maybe sometimes he wished it was Harry lying with him at night instead of Eleanor, and maybe sometimes he wished it was Harry he got to wake up to in the morning instead of Eleanor, and maybe sometimes he imagined it was Harry he was kissing instead of her. But that didn't mean he didn't move on, did it? Just because he wished it was Harry he got to make love to instead of his girlfriend, and because he often caught himself smiling at the mere thought of him, and because sometimes he liked to picture Harrys face when he was sad, and because he constantly found himself resisting the urge to kiss him on stage- that didn't mean he was still... in love with... Harry? Did it? Louis had a girlfriend, one he loved very very much. His and Harrys relationship was in the past, he'd moved on. But...

"I dreamt of you too." Louis admitted, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand. "I dream of you most every night." and he heard Harrys breath hitch. He had no idea why he was confessing all of this to Harry when it didn't even make a difference because he had a girlfriend, but he couldn't stop the words pouring from his mouth. "It was Christmas, 2010. Do you remember?" he smiled weakly. "It was after we lost the X Factor; none of us were quite sure what was going to happen with One Direction, even though we had the record deal. We all went home for the holidays to rest, but at the last moment your parents decided to go away to the Bahamas to spend Chrismas together, and Gemmas flight got cancelled, so you were gonna be all by yourself on Christmas. But I didn't want you to be alone, so I drove out to meet you at the bungalow, so we could be together. Chrismas Eve was so much fun, wasn't it?" Louis couldn't help but smile fondly. "We made a fire inside and chopped down a terrible tree in the woods, and we didn't realize it was way too big for the room and scraped up the walls when we tried to put it up. And then we decorated it together, with some old pink and blue birthday streamers we found downstairs. We made hot cocoa and ate mcdonalds for our Christmas Dinner, and I spiked the eggnog with rum and we got drunk out of our minds." He heard Harry laugh wetly on the other end. "That night was our first time making love together." He said softly. "I think that was the best night of my whole entire life."

"It was mine too." Harry sniffed, wiping his runny nose on the blanket carelessly, wondering half-heartedly why Louis was torturing him with all these fond memories of them that Harry had spent years trying to block out of his mind, if he was only going to hang up any second now and crawl back into bed with her. Harry had spent counless days and weeks and months and years carefully sewing himself up after Louis had torn a gaping hole in his heart, making sure he left nothing exposed, never opening up and never letting anyone get too close, and Louis couldn't just show up and unravel the intricate threads and undo all of Harrys hard work and leave him to pick up the tattered pieces by himself. It wasn't right.

"You know, I never really forgot about you, either." Louis admitted, in barely more than a whisper, almost sounding... ashamed. "I tried so fucking hard but its like you're just everywhere Haz, and it's so fucking frustrating because I'm trying so damn hard to get over you, but you're always there in the back of my mind with your dimples and your hipster jeans and your weird headbands and your laugh and your smile and your stupid brown boots... jesus Harry, sometimes I... sometimes I wish it was you. I wish it was you with me instead of Eleanor, okay? The reason I stopped talking to you was.. I was scared, Hazza. I was scared because I was 19 and our career was taking off and you were my best friend and I wasn't supposed to be gay and just.. I was scared and selfish and I realize now how much I hurt you, and fuck Harry, I'm so fucking sorry."

It hurt, opening up like this. Louis never liked being exposed or people knowing what he was feeling, and it seriously, physically hurt him, a sharp and lasting pain in his chest. But Harry was an amazing person and Louis had hurt him and he deserved an explaination, and Louis needed to do this, for him.

Harrys throat seemed to be closing off again, choking him and making his eyes water and tears spill down his cheeks. It wasn't because he wasn't good enough, Harry realized. Louis was just scared, and he loved Harry all along, and Harry couldn't tell if that fact was patching up his heart or tearing it to pieces.

Wait, he realized. Eleanor. She was his girlfriend, as much as Harry wished she wasn't, and she had feelings and it was so wrong and unethical to be talking to Louis like this while she slept away unknowingly, ignorantly. But he couldn't bring himself to say that, because he was greedy and selfish and he wanted Louis, even if it was just for this short time. He didn't think that was too much to ask for.

"Does she know?" he asked softly. "Eleanor? Does she know you're talking to me? Will this start a fight between you and her? That's the last thing I want." he said honestly.

Louis paused. Harry was right, of course. God, he was even right about the things he didn't say out loud. He suddenly realized how bad of a boyfriend he was being to El, talking to his ex boyfriend like this, even just having these feelings for Harry was definitely immoral. But honestly he couldn't bring himself to care at the moment when his entire mind just consisted of HarryHarryHarryHarryHarry. God he had never wanted someone in his life more than he wanted Harry right then.

He paused. "No. No, I don't think she has a clue."

Eleanor deserved someone so much better than him.

Harry bit down on his lip, nodding even though he knew Louis couldn't see him.

And then suddenly just talking to him on the phone wasn't enough. Harry needed him there, with him, he needed the rub of his lips and the feel of his hair and the touch of his skin and he just needed Louis, and it hurt how incredibly impossible that was. They were so fucking close to working it all out but they were still so far apart, and a small whimper escaped Harrys throat.

"Haz?" Louis asked worridly, almost frantically. "Are you okay? What do you need??"

Harry shut his eyes tightly. He really had nothing to lose, so he decided to just be honest with him, wiping at his eyes uselessly. "You."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line, and Harry thought he might have scared him away, before he heard his voice say quietly, "I'm on my way."

Harrys mouth fell open. "Wha-" but the phone clicked and Louis was gone.

***** 

Louis glanced up at his reflection in the bathroom and groaned in defeat. He was a messy, teary wreck, and he could never in a million years let Harry see him looking like that. He splashed some cold water onto his face and then wiped it dry with a facecloth, running his fingers through his hair to get any tangles out and try to flatten it down. Of course, he was only doing this to make sure Eleanor wouldn't suspect anything if she woke up and saw him, definitely not so he looked presentable for Harry. For Eleanor. Right. The rusty hinges on the door creaked piercingly when he pushed it open, and he froze, wincing silently and hoping against hope that Eleanor wouldn't wake up. But Eleanor was a heavy sleeper, thank god, and she slept on.

He tiptoed over to his suitcase which was lying open on the floor and fumbled around in the dim lighting until his hands grasped the fabric of his gray knitted jumper, and he furiously batted at his wet eyes, hauling the sweater over his head. He didn't bother changing his pants, since Eleanor always prefered him to wear pyjama bottoms to bed, instead of boxers. Frankly, it was quite annoying, not that he would ever admit that out loud.

He padded lightly over to the door and he had his hand on the handle when suddenly he became aware of a light breathing coming from behind him, and he quietly spun around to see Els sleeping form curled up into a pillow. Her eyes were lightly shut, her pyjama shirt having ridden up slightly to expose an area of her stomach, her long brown hair fallen in her face. It was curly, as she'd done it last night before they went out to dinner and Louis found himself being reminded of Harrys unruly mop of curls, soft and natural unlike her ten-different-types-of-product curls.

He hesitated for a second. He loved El, really. She was a sweet, sweet girl, and she didn't deserve this. She deserved someone who would love her with his whole heart, and Louis could never do that for her. Because there would always be Harry.

"I'm sorry." he whispered hoarsly, before turning the door handle and slipping out of the room.

Harry had a room to himself. Perrie was visiting Zayn so they had the room together right at the end of the hall, and Niall had Liam had claimed the room on the left, so Harry was sleeping alone.

As each step took Louis closer and closer to Harry, his heartbeat seemed to escalate, beating erratically so hard he was sure he'd have bruises on his ribcage. Every fiber of his being was screaming at him to stop walking, to turn back and crawl into bed with his girlfriend and play it safe. With Eleanor, he always knew what the day would be like. They'd wake up, eat some breakfast, get on the tour bus and drive to the next venue, Louis would go to soundcheck and she would stay back to study. Sometimes she would go to the concert and sometimes she would stay on the bus and then Louis would get back and they would go to bed together. Sometimes if they were playing in a new city the next day they would stay on the bus overnight, and if they had another show in the same city they'd stay in a hotel. That's what it was like everyday. Quiet, normal. Predictable.

With Harry it, was always an adventure, something new to look forward to. Sometimes he would get bored lazing around and he'd drag Louis off sightseeing around town, or he couldn't sleep so he'd wake Louis up to go outside and look at the stars, or he would convince Louis to go swimming or to the zoo, and this was back when they had tons of downtime, but still, Harry was such a kid and he never let work drain him out, and he just loved everything. Harry was wild, unpredictable. And Louis loved every single second spent with him. Harry was a complete variable, Louis knew that and he wasn't sure how this was going to go down. For all he knew, this could end badly. They were in the middle of their biggest tour yet, they couldn't afford for anything to happen that could mess it up, especially drama between Harry and Louis, as the two of them were always in the fans' overanalyzing spotlight. He knew he needed to play it safe. He should play it safe. He was /supposed/ to play it safe. But he couldn't, it was like his mind had been taken over and he was being forced to walk down that hallway no matter how hard he tried to turn back, and he realized that if he was the earth then Harry would be his gravity.

And suddenly he was there, standing right in front of Harrys door, and his Hazza was there, mere feet away, waiting for him and Louis was so fucking close to him and he just needed to be so much closer. Then it was like autopilot switched off and his vision sharpened and he was extremely aware of everything around him- the scratchy carpet under his feet the too-bright tacky hotel light attached to the ceiling, the brown door with the number 209 painted in the middle looming in front of him, mocking him, the sound of his heart beating like a bassdrum, echoing in his ears and he hoped distractedly that he didn't wake the neighbors.

Just do it, knock, its no big deal! Stop being a wimp and knock already. Its just the love of your life sobbing his heart out on the other side of that door, no biggie. Louis William Tomlinson, knock on that door this instant, just knock- he knocked.

It was not too hard but not too soft either and he knocked exactly 4 times, then rested a beat, knocked once more and then dragged his knuckles in a wide circle on the door- his and Harrys secret knock from when they were back on the X Factor. Wait, what the fuck was he doing?? He couldnt just show up out of goddamn nowhere in Harrys hotel room, regardless of the phonecall and regardless of everything that was said, because this was different. They'd be speaking face to face, as Louis and Harry, as mates for the first time in /years/, what on earth was he supposed to say, or do? And then he heard a floorboard creak and light footsteps walking to the door, and he really didnt think this through, and the doorknob was turning and maybe if he bolted he would get to his room before Harry even realized he was there, but suddenly the door was open and Harry was standing right in front of him, and jesus, he still took Louis' breath away.

Harry was taller than him, Louis knew that, but he'd never really realized how much taller he was. It was nearly 5 inches he guessed, and he had to look up to see his face properly. Harry was a mess, honestly. He was clad only in boxers and an old oversized t-shirt, both of which looked like he'd only just thrown them on, which, louis realized, he probably did- Harry always prefered to sleep in the nude. His hair was a mess of brown curls, sticking up everywhere from sleep. His eyes were a dark green like they always were when he'd been crying, rimmed in red and bloodshot, his cheeks stained with so many tears it made Louis' chest ache because he was the reason for them and he just wanted to do was kiss them all away.

Harry sniffled, biting down hard on his lip and playing with the hem of his t-shirt, keeping his eyes trained on his feet. It was like he was trying to prepare himself for looking at Louis, so maybe he wouldn't be a complete wreck when their eyes met, but that weak hope went to hell as soon as he forced himself to look up.

Even with wrinkled pyjama bottoms and a too big jumper falling off his shoulder and bedraggled hair sticking up all over the place and his blue eyes bloodshot (God, his eyes were just as or more gorgeous than ever) and a trembling lip and tears streaking slowly down his face he still looked more beautiful than Harry remembered, and he felt like his chest was being compressed, slowly caving in and crushing his lungs and making it difficult to breathe. His brain was going fuzzy and he felt like every time he took a breath he was only taking in enough air to keep conscious and it was like there was a bubble in his chest expanding with each passing second and maybe soon it was going to burst and splatter his guts all over the corridor and walls. He really hoped that wasnt going to happen. He realised they were just standing there without speaking, staring at each other and Harry really should say something, but he didn't know what you were supposed to say in these situations, and it was okay because he didn't think he could get a word out even if he tried. But he realized he had to say something, but /what/, he was racking his brain and he had no idea what to do or say and he had half a mind to just shut the door and go back inside and cry, which would be so much easier. But Harry Styles wasn't a coward, and so he did, although it came out as more of a whimper, despite his best efforts to keep the broken out of his voice.

"Louis-" he choked out, before his stupid voice failed him and he had to break off, biting his lower lip so hard he tasted blood to keep from resolving to a sobbing puddle of tears on the floor in the doorway because he knew that wouldnt exactly be becoming.

And honestly, that's all it took for Louis to break. He wasn't even thinking, but it was the tears in Harrys eyes and the tremble of his lip and the sag of his shoulders and the crack in his voice and Louis suddenly had an overwhelming need to take all his sadness away, and then Louis had shut the door behind him and taken a stride forward and closed all the space between them and he had his arms wrapped around Harry as tightly as he possibly could.

Harry clung to Louis like he was his universe, and maybe, when he thought about it, he was. Louis was small and warm and soft and /familiar/ and it felt so right, like he fit perfectly in Harrys arms, and Harry felt the bubble in his chest shrinking as Louis nuzzled his face into Harrys shoulder and Harry did the same, squeezing his eyes shut as tears leaked past and soaked the fabric of Louis' jumper. He could feel Louis shaking with sobs and he felt wetness on his shoulder where his t-shirt slipped down but all he could do was cling desperately to Louis. It was their first hug in years and he just needed this more than he had ever needed anything in his life.

"God, Haz, I missed you," Louis croaked into Harrys neck, and Harry whimpered.

"Jesus Lou, I missed you too, so fucking much, my god Louis..." Harry choked, his entire body shaking with sobs and Louis' hair smelled like strawberries and it was so soft that he couldn't resist tangling his fingers through it in a way that was so familiar it made his heart ache.

And Louis knew it was a horrible thing to do, and he knew Eleanor would be heartbroken and she deserved someone so much better than him and if his mum were here she'd give him a good smack upside the head and he knew he deserved that but he just needed to-he needed Harry and he needed this moment- and then he leaned his head up and pressed his lips to Harrys. He pushed the little voice in his head telling him how horrible of a boyfriend he was to the back of his mind and he felt Harry go stiff for a second and Louis worried he'd made a fatal mistake but then he felt Harry relax and kiss him back and relief washed over Louis like a blanket.

To Harry, it was like the first breath of air after being underwater for too long. Like before, he was drowning and each breath was only filling him with more water and causing him to sink down further, and then Louis was pulling him to the surface and helping him breathe. He knew he was being a whore, that Louis had a girlfriend and she didn't deserve this, not one bit and he was a horrible person but he couldn't make himself pull away when Louis' lips were so soft and sweet and they tasted like that and it felt so good and Harry didnt think anything could be wrong when it felt so amazingly right.

His hand made its way to Louis' waist while his other one stayed tangled in Louis' hair and Louis' hands on the back of his neck and Louis' body pressed up against him and Louis kissing him like that and just LouisLouisLouisLouisLouis.

They were kissing desperately, almost hungrily, years and years of pent up need and want pouring out into that one kiss, Harry fisting Louis' hair tightly and Louis playing with Harrys loose curls and making these tiny needy noises in the back of his throat that just about drove Harry insane.

And then Louis' tongue was tracing over Harrys lips slowly, and Harry opened his mouth almost automatically, feeling Louis' tongue slip in and explore around, and it was all tongue and teeth and needy desire and Harry loved every second of it.

In no time whatsoever, Harry found himself pressed up tightly against the wall, leaning over slightly to kiss Louis deeply as his hair fell in his eyes and his fingers splayed across Louis' cheeks, while Louis kissed hin back with passion that Harry could feel all the way down to his toes. Louis' hands slipped underneath Harrys shirt, roaming slowly up and down his sides and down his chest and then Louis was playing with one of his nipples and Harry sucked in a harsh breath against Louis' mouth which gave Louis the opportunity to nibble lightly on Harrys lip, and Harry wondered distractedly if Louis was purposely trying to kill him.

Louis suddenly took his lips off of Harrys, and Harry whimpered at the loss of contact but then Louis' lips were suddenly connected to his neck and his whimper turned to a low moan. Louis seemed almost an expert at this, and he pressed little open mouthed kisses all down the side of Harrys neck until he got to his collarbone. He found a spot and sucked at it gently, and then harsher, nipping and kissing in a way that had Harry's head tipping backwards and his chest rising and falling as he panted heavily. Finally Louis pulled away and admired the purple buise fondly, before looking back up at Harry, and god. 

His hair was even messier than it had been before, his lips swollen from kissing and the green of his eyes darker than ever with want, and he looked completely wrecked already, and everything about him was just so endearing and Louis was wondering why on earth he'd ever left this boy.

He couldn't help but lean up to kiss him again, and Harry immediately kissed him back, bringing his hand up to rest on the back of Louis' neck, the other hand on Louis' waist as Louis kept him pinned to the wall, and he just wanted Harry so badly in that moment, more than he had ever wanted anyone in his life, and his hand reached down to palm Harry lightly through his trousers, surprised to find him already half hard. Although he should've expected it really, since he himself was nearly hard as well.

Harry groaned at Louis' touch as he kissed sofly at Harrys neck and his hand slipped beneath the waistband of his pants and took his dick gently, squeezing it almost teasingly in his hand in his hand in a way that had Harrys back arching against the wall. "C'mere, love," Louis murmured against Harrys neck, taking his hand out and leading Harry over to the hotel bed and Harry followed willingly. He lay down on the bed with his head resting on the pillow and his eyes locked with Louis', who had crawled on top of him and had a hand on either side of Harrys head, supporting himself and looking at Harry in a way that could only be described as predatory.

Harry slipped his bottom lip between his teeth, trying to take in every single detail of Louis at that moment; the way is hair was sticking up in the back and his jumper was too big so Harry could see his chest and his tattoos where it hung too low past his neckline, how his pupils were dilated so much there was only a small ring of blue around them and his lips were so red, and there was something about it, like how the light from the moon outside was shining in through the open window and casting Louis is blue light and Harry could see the shadows of his amazingly long eyelashes, and how the whir of cars flying past stories below was the only sound audible besides their heavy breathing, and Harry had only just realized that was the sweater he had given Louis for his 19th birthday that just made the moment so much more intimate than should have been possible.

"You look like an angel, Lou." Harry murmered honestly, because that was the most accurate description of how Louis looked in that moment. He was sure he could search his face for hours upon hours and not find one single flaw.

And then Harry wet his lips in the way that was so impossibly endearing and drove Louis totally crazy and he completely lost control again. "Fucking hell Harry," he muttered, attacking Harrys lips again. Only this time there was more of an urgency, more of a need for each other because this time they both knew what was coming.

Harry was grinding his hips up into Louis' in a way that was nearly obscene, and their cocks were rubbing together and Louis' head was just moremoremoremoremore; more skin, more friction, more kissing, more Harry.

His fingers played nimbly with the hem of Harrys shirt before he slowly inched it up, over Harrys stomach and his abdomen and his chest and Harry disconnected their lips for just long enough to let Louis slip it off his head before closing the gap again. Except now there was something new for Louis to explore, new skin exposed, and so he moved his lips down and decorated Harrys tummy with little kisses and bites while Harry could do nothing but tangle his fingers in Louis' hair. Finally Louis decided he was done and he sat up to haul his jumper over his head and throw it off to the side before kissing Harry again.

He fumbled with the waistband of Harrys boxers and finally gripped it tightly, dragging them down slowly and watching with lust filled eyes as his dick came free, already completly hard and leaking precome. He kissed the tip lightly before he let Harry kneel up and remove his pyjama pants, pulling them down and throwing them to the side by the bed, and then he wasted no time in crashing his lips to Harrys again.

"Haz," he whispered in a low voice, pulling back, their noses brushing and Harry could feel Louis' hot breath on his face and they were so so close. "I wanna fuck you."

Harrys breath hitched in his throat and he felt his cock twitching. "I want you to fuck me." he breathed, blood rushing in his ears, heart pounding in his chest.

Louis grinned mischievously. "Where do you keep your condoms and lube?" He sat up and got down from the bed.

"Suitcase, outside pocket on the left." Harry said, stroking himself lazily, and he definitely did not admire Louis' perfect arse as he bent down to retrieve them.

Louis knelt back down by Harry, and Harry watched as he slicked up two fingers. "Turn over, love." he said softly, and Harry did as he was told, turning over and sticking his arse in the air almost teasingly, receiving the desired reaction when he heard louis groan lowly.

Louis took one of his fingers and inserted it into Harry slowly, feeling Harry pressing in around them so tight it was amazing, though he realized Harry probably hadn't been with a guy in a while. He pushed it in all the way and then pulled out, pushing in and pulling out a few times until he thought it was safe to add a second finger. And that's when the small whimpers and and noises Harry had managed to keep quiet up until that point broke loose and Harry moaned lowly, and his head fell and Louis watched his back muscles in fascination as Harry breathed heavily.

"God, Lou.." Harry breathed as Louis pushed his fingers in again and hit his prostate perfectly and he moaned loudly. "Lou, fuck- Louis-"

"Hmm?" Louis mumbled, scissoring his fingers gently to loosen Harry up more, qnd Harry groaned.

"Please, Lou, god Louis, please." he whimpered, so hard it almost hurt.

"Please what?"

Harry turned his head to meet louis' eyes with his lust-filled ones, and louis nearly moaned himself. "Fuck me."

 

That time louis did moan. "Yeah, yeah okay." he gently removed his fingers and Harry whined at the feeling of cold. Louis quickly slipped on the condom and he slicked up his cock, crawling over to Harry. Harry turned over so he was lying on his back, and Louis frowned. "This'll hurt more." he said softly.

"Don't care." Harry shook his head. "Wanna see you." Louis couldn't help but smile and he leaned down to kiss Harrys lightly before he pulled back, positioning himself over Harrys entrance.

"Ready?" Harry nodded. "M'kay."

Louis watched Harrys face carefully as he pushed in, seeing Harrys face screw up in pain but a second later it was gone and Louis wondered if it was even there in the firfirst place. He kept going until he was in all the way, waiting for Harry to adjust to his size. "Okay?"

Harry nodded again. "Okay."

And then Louis gave himself a moment to fully enjoy it. Harry was still so tight around him, and he felt so good, warm and tight and just Harry.

Harry didn't think he'd ever had a feeling that could every live up to how this feeling felt, ever. Louis was big and completely filled him up, and he was making Harry stretch, but it was the perfect mixture of pain and pleasure and Harry loved it.

He watched Louis as he bit down on his tongue, pulling out almost all the way and thrusting in again, hitting his prostate and making Harry moan again and Louis smiled.

He picked up speed, thrusting in and out again and again, making the cheap hotel bed creak and Harrys face contort with pleasure. "Oh, fuck Louis, fuck, god yes Louis there, fuck-" Harry groaned, his head falling back onto the pillow as Louis went even deeper and thrusted harder each time and there wasn't even words to describe this because it was just so fucking good and the fact that it was with Louis just made it 10 times better.

Louis had a hand on either side of Harrys head, supporting himself, and his face was screwed up in concentration. There was a thin sheen of sweat coating his face and his chest and his arms, and Harry couldn't help but be totally fascinated by the way his biceps bulged and rippled and as the moon hit Louis on a perfect angle and cast shadows of his eyelashes across his cheekbones, and as he felt so good and warm as he slammed into Harry again and again, Harry thought he truly did look unfairly and inhumanly perfect.

"God, Lou, m'close..." Harry moaned, his eyes fluttering shut as Louis hit that perfect spot again and again in a way that drove Harry absolutely crazy.

And his dick hadn't even had a single touch, so maybe it was the well aimed thrust from Louis, or maybe it was the way Louis was pressing little open mouthed kisses all over his neck, or maybe it was the way Louis was murmuring sweet words against his skin, or maybe it was just Louis, but it had Harry coming harder than he ever had before, his toes curling and his back arching and his eyes squeezing shut, come landing on his stomach as he finally reached his climax, a sense of release washing over him.

Harry relaxed, falling back down onto the bed and panting heavily, trying to catch his breath. It took a few more thrusts before Louis finally came, filling up the condom and he collapsed on top of Harry. They were a mess of skin and sweaty limbs and come but it didn't really matter, because they were there and they were together and for the first time in three years something in the universe felt right.

But nothing could last forever, and Louis pulled out and Harry felt so cold and empty, and Louis got up and slipped the condom off, tying it and tossing it in the waste basket. Harry watched as he disappeared to the bathroom and came back a minute later with a wet cloth in hand, and he watched as Louis gently wiped the come off of his stomach, and he watched as Louis silently got dressed back into his clothes, and he watched as Louis came over and sat on the edge of his bed.

None of the spoke; none of them knew what to say. They knew what they did was horrible and wrong, they knew it could never happen again. but they also knew they couldn't lose each other again, not like they did.

"Louis..." Harry started in a soft voice.

"Yeah, Haz?" Louis said, stroking harrys sweaty curls slowly.

"I... I know you're with Eleanor. I know you can't just up and leave her, and I know what we did was wrong and it can't happen again, but just... lets stay friends, okay? Promise we'll still be friends. I can't lose you again." Harry mumbled, turning his head to stare at the opposite wall, pretending to be fascinated with the blue moonlight filtering in through the window.

Louis smiled sadly. "Yeah, Okay Harry. We'll stay friends. Okay." He hesitated next, but he decided he really didnt have anything to lose, so he just went for it. "You know Haz," Harry looked up at Louis again in confusion. "I never really stopped loving you." Louis confessed, looking down at his lap. "Not even once. When I'm with Eleanor, sometimes I- I wish she was you. I've always loved you, okay Harry? I always will."

Harry sniffed, his lip trembling because he knew where this was going and he didn't think he liked it. "I love you too, Lou." he managed. "Forever and always." and he realized that this night had meant nothing to Louis, nothing at all and it really hurt that it had meant everything to Harry.

"Forever and always, Hazza." Louis said softly, leaning down to press a gentle and lingering kiss to Harrys lips, and Harry had a feeling it would be the last one for a long time.

Louis got up and he opened the door and he steped outside and into the too-bright-hallway and he took a final look back into the room, and he felt his heart shatter in his chest. Harry had his hands covering his eyes and his lips bitten together to try to keep his cries silent, and walking away from him was honestly the hardest thing Louis had ever had to do in his life.

It was like Harry was an anchor, connected to him and dragging him down deep, deep under the water. And Harry was saying he would be able to breathe down there, they just needed to get past the hard part first, and then they would be okay. Better than okay. Alone. Together. Happy. But there was a possibility he wouldn't be able to breathe, and he would be stuck down there, and he would suffocate before he was able to reach the surface again. But then, he had Eleanor waiting for him above the water, where he knew he would be safe, and he would be able to breathe, but he wouldn't be happy because he would always have to drag around the weight of the anchor, and it would always be there, beckoning him. Doing anything it could to drag him under.

On one hand, he had his brain telling him; no go back to Eleanor, to stop being an unfaithful prick and go love her because he make a promise to do that, and promises should never be broken. And on the other hand he had his heart telling him to go back into that room and crawl into bed with Harry and hold him in his arms and love him forever and always, because that's what they said they would do.

And for once, he decided to listen to his brain.

Because he was a fucking coward, and he always would be.

Inside, Harry was a mess. He was a crying, sweaty, naked mess. His knees were pulled up to his chest and his hands were covering his eyes and mouth girlfriend. And the worst part was, he'd gotten closer to Louis than he had in three years, he'd gotten so close, but he'd let him slip through his fingers again. And then a thought hit Harry like a train and reduced him to complete hysterics.

Louis hasn't promised.

*****

And so, nothing changed. The next morning Harry met the boys downstairs for breakfast to find Louis pretending like nothing even happened. He was eating a piece of toast topped with peanut butter and a banana, and Eleanor was hanging off his arm and he was laughing and joking with her like he always did, and the guilt was so unbearable Harry had to leave the room.

He acted like he didnt care, like it didn't feel like he was getting stabbed in the heart every time he saw them together, like they had never existed.

Eventually, the boys older, and the fans got older and One Direction got older, and after 7 amazing years together, One Direction broke up. The boys went their separate ways. Niall settled down in Ireland with a lovely girl. Liam and Zayn finally realized they were made for each other, and bought a house together on the outskirts of London. Harry pursued a very successful job as a solo artist and kept performing. He married when he was 25, he divorced when he was 26. Louis and Eleanor built a house together in Manchester and had 3 beautiful children, Lana, Edward and Maia. And unfortunately, their youngest, Maia, did not like to sleep. At all.

The wailing through the baby moniter is what wakes them. Louis groans, rolling over and covering his head with a pillow in an attempt to drown out the sound. He waits for a minute to see if the crying will stop, knowing it won't, and when the moniter proves him right, he pokes his head out hopefully from under the pillow. "Hey Eleanor-"

"No." she responds flatly, without even opening her eyes, and Louis sighs.

"Fine."

He swings his feet over the side of the bed and stands up, huffing sassily- Eleanor always made him calm the baby down when she cried in the night, she said she'd dealt with enough screaming and crying when she gave birth- and pads lightly down the hall, past Lana and Edwards room to the nursery, where he sees his youngest daughter crying hysterically in her crib, making his heart ache in a way only babies could do when they cry. Well, and Harry of course.

He picks her up silently, shhing her gently and cradling her in his arms. "Shh, shh Maia. Daddys here, its okay baby, I'm here. Go to sleep baby." he prompts, rocking her back and forth gently.

The crying seems to die down after a while, and then stops completely, and Louis sighs in relief. He loves his family, but babies are difficult to deal with sometimes.

He's only just layed Maia down and gotten her to sleep when suddenly the phone rings, the shrill noise cutting through the house like a knife. Louis jumps, momentarily freezing because well, why would anyone call at 3:30 in the morning? And then he races for the phone thats strewn on the couch and hits answer before it can ring again. He listens intently for a moment, holding his hand over the speaker, and miraculously none of his kids woke up. Thank god.

"Hello?" he asks in a whisper, stepping into the kitchen and shutting the door so he doesn't wake anyone up.

There's no answer, but Louis can hear light breathing on the other end. And now he's sorta mad.

"Hello?" he repeats. "Who's there?"

Still no answer, but he's sure he can hear someone crying on the other end.

"I swear," he starts again, "If this is another prank call, I swear to god-" but then the person on the other end interrupts him and Louis is stunned into silence. His mouth falls agape and his breath catches in his throat and he has to sit down on the stool by the counter to make sure he doesn't fall over. There's so many thoughts racing through his head its hard to select just one, although the main one is 'I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry'.

"H-Harry?"

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I really hope you liked this :) I worked extremely hard on it, so if you do like it, feel free to comment and/or leave your kudos :) thank you do much for reading!! Xx


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